Writer's block. I'm fairly sure I have been suffering from it for over a year now. It has been driving me absolutely insane. Everything I write is direct and to the point. Filled with punctuation. See. What. I. Mean.

How did this happen? I used to be so open, used to be willing to let my emotions pour out of me into beautiful words. And then, something happened. I started deciding that all I wrote about was negativity. I decided that if it wasn't positive, I wouldn't write. What I didn't realize was that I am passionate when I am hurt or angry. When I am happy, I just feel at peace and I don't feel the need to let things out. Maybe I just need to accept that I am a human (not a robot) and be okay with opening up a bit more. I've been so isolated with my sickness. Yes, let's start with that.

I have irritable bowel syndrome. Awesome name, right? The name of it alone is humiliating and something that I rarely share with anyone who is not close to me. Right now, I am on a positive kick for it which means I only get sick 2 or 3 times a week instead of every single day. It means that I can function on a daily basis, but that I can't eat when I am at work. Do you know how much society revolves around food? OH my god, I could just scream about how much every social function is about what we are going to shove down our throats. I cringe every time I have to look like a freak and sit there and not eat when everyone at my work is eating and socializing. I see the looks that people give me, but no one has the courage to ask me why. I see the judgements on their faces as I act clueless and pretend that I am okay with how idiotic I look. But then, I realize, that before I got sick, before my life completely changed, that I was the same way. I used to be able to enjoy eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. Yes, I used to be able to go to a social function without the complete fear and dread of getting hit with an "attack". People would probably think this is all funny and I would have to. Until it happened to me. At 18 years old, my quality of life was drastically diminished one month before I moved on campus to start college. 

It's a vicious cycle, you see. Some days are great and some days are horrible but as soon as I started to gain confidence something really bad happens and I am to climb my way out of a dark hell again. Every day at work, snide remarks are made about the fact that I don't eat. People think that it's funny and probably think that I am just shallow and worried about my weight. I'm not. At all. In fact, it's never been an issue. People don't think before they speak, they don't think before they jump to conclusions, they don't even try to approach me and figure out why I am the way I am. And that's fine. As a result, a large portion of myself is in a constant state of isolation. I am the girl that always has a smile on her face and has something positive to say. And you know what? I actually believe myself 90% of the time. It's how I survive and get through my day. If I allowed myself to focus only on self pity I wouldn't be here anymore. So, I have to think of how much I do have and let go of the fact that I will never fit in again. That every memory from here on out will have something to do with how I felt that day or why I couldn't get up and dance at a wedding with everyone else. Why I didn't feel well enough to go support my boyfriend at a funeral today. Why I can't go out clubbing for a girls night because one drink and I will be miserable. Why I am terrified of my wedding day because who knows if I will even be able to semi-function. Why the only people that i have relationships with are my family, my boyfriend, and my best friend. Because honestly, I don't trust people enough to let them in.

This is crazy, it really is. And believe me, I know that a lot of my fears are irrational. But 6 doctors later and many alternative treatments later and I'm still terrified. And yes, I have been to counseling. I just want to surrender to whatever will make it better, but I don't know the answer. I am just here, grinding through each and every day, and hoping that one day it will just stop. That, once again, my complaints in life will be about stupid and shallow things. Things that I can't believe I bitched about before. 

I am grateful that I am alive, still. Most days. To tell you that there aren't some days I wish I was dead would be a lie. But, on those days, I just get through it. I know that my life is worth it for some reason. I know that any joy I experience far outweighs the bad. My goal now is to figure out how I can increase happiness in my life as much as possible and to live the best way that I am able. To be okay with the fact that society no longer holds a place for me and to rise above it anyway.

This is my struggle, my fight. This is going to teach me what really matters in life. 

So, lately I've been looking for at home beauty things I can do for cheap. Cheap face masks, healthy things for your hair, etc.

Today, I actually did an egg mask on my hair. As gross as that sounds, I actually liked the results I got. My hair just feels healthier, softer, and looks more shiny. 

We also gave our puppy an oatmeal bath because she's been really obsessed with licking her paws lately (which can be from irritation) and it worked wonders on her coat. She is so soft and I haven't seen her lick her paw once since we did it.

Does anyone have any good recommendations for this type of thing? I'm mostly looking for effective(and cheap) ideas for skin care, hair, etc.