Kyle and I got gym memberships last Wednesday. I honestly feel like I got beaten with a shovel all over my body right now ha ha so I think that's a good sign. My personal trainer tried to tell me that I had 35% body fat and it broke me down for quite some time yesterday. I have high goals and I know that I have work to do, but there is no way my body fat % is that high. I looked at comparison pictures of different people/genders at different body fats and I am nowhere near that level. I would say I am between 22-25% and my goal is to be within the 17-19% range. I honestly feel like it was a scheme just to get me to pay for personal training sessions, which I did. Oh well, if they help me get focused then it is worth it. Just need to be a little more smart about what people are telling me and to have some more confidence in myself. I honestly feel great so far though: I've been doing a lot more cardio and weight training this week. My body hasn't been too kind with me running lately so I've been using mostly the elliptical but I hope to build back up to running once I am strong again. I also plan on doing some of the group exercise classes to keep me motivated and to keep it fun. I am so excited to feel more healthy and to get the confidence back that comes with it. I have until April 6th before the fitting for my wedding dress so I have a lot of work to do.
This morning, I made breakfast for both of us for the week. I saw this awesome idea on this blog: http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/Recipeindex. She has amazing, yummy, and healthy recipes. Anyway, we made our own healthy version of egg mcmuffins pretty much. I mixed eggs and bell peppers together, put them in a muffin pan, and stuck them in the oven. We also put turkey bacon on them and some cheese. We then stuck the whole thing into an indoor grill. It will be a nice easy breakfast to grab in the morning so I am excited and I actually cooked something that tasted good. I am becoming more and more domesticated every day ha ha.
I also FINALLY found my wedding shoes:
They are custom made, super comfortable, and gorgeous. I didn't think it was going to be possible to find. Of course, they doubled my budget again... but that seems to be the trend for wedding spending right now.
We also took the babies to the dog park today. Mickey was an absolute shit and went around growling at all the bigger dogs. Never close enough to do anything because he is a big baby, but he was making a ton of ruckus. Luckily, we met a really nice lady who was understanding of our dog. She had a beautiful older husky that was super gentle with him and put up with his nonsense until he calmed down. Towards the end he was chasing the big dogs and playing with them. Miss Laila was mellow as usual, but she was a lot more adventurous than usual and kept walking away from Kyle and I. Usually, she is pinned to my side so I thought that was good progress.
Anyway, my focus is on getting as strong as I can mentally and physically. I'm cutting out as much bad junk as I can and that will be including alcohol. It is so much easier to focus on my goals when I have a fully stocked gym that I can go to.
Last night we went to a night club called The Westerner. The only clubs I've been to our gay clubs with my best friend and I haven't had the best experiences because I find them awkward and get really sick of dirty dancing all night long ha ha. We went out to dinner and I just had a random urge to go check this place out so we did. Kyle has been taking dance classes for an elective and it has definitely paid off. I had a blast. Line dancing was fun and dancing with him was amazing. This sounds stupid, but it was a huge step forward for me because I am a complete introvert. It's not that I don't like being social sometimes, but I just always feel awkward. I am much too aware of my surroundings so I can get lost in analyzing people rather than just cutting loose and having fun.
I'm so glad I was forced to break out of my shell a little bit though. Of course the one time we do go out I get to see the girl from high school that made my life hell. I honestly don't even think she recognized me and I didn't care; it was just surreal to see that people haven't changed after all this time. I barely even recognize who I was a couple of years ago, let alone 6 years.
My sister moved out and into her boyfriend's parents house because she claims that there are too many cops at my family's house for her to get clean. She also claims that we are the reason for all of her drug use. I had my final say with her and told her that I can't wait until she takes accountability for her own shit because it will make a huge difference in her life. I also expressed regret that she turned on my mom when my mom has practically picked her over the whole family and always tried to do everything she could to give my sister help through all of this. The conversation seemed to go nowhere so I ended it with wishing her luck for finding her own happiness in life. I know that people here will tell me that she is hurting and I don't doubt that. However, her actions are still selfish, illogical, and hypocritical. She has done nothing but manipulate and lie to my family for YEARS. This has gone on even before she started using. I am at a point now where I just need my space. I will always love her because she is family, but that doesn't mean that everyone else's lives has to go to shit just because of her.
Other than that, this weekend we are taking a break from my family. There has just been too much stress and conflict. I think tonight we are going to a house warming party, so that should be fun as well.
My life is continuing to fall apart, but I'm not going to.
My sister finally admitted she has been using heroin again on a continual basis. Everyone could tell so it's not a huge shock, but once it's out in the open my mom has to deal with it. She kinda is and kinda isn't. It's funny because boundaries have been set, but once they are broken the boundaries get moved or there is another chance. I'm pretty hopeless about it right now. I have so many emotions surrounding this issue that it's just overwhelming. I'm scared for my baby sister and i'm angry that she could be so stupid. I also know there is nothing that anyone can say/do that will get her to stop because she literally has been handing a second chance at life over and over and it just gets pushed back in everyone's faces. I know that addiction is complex, but I also know that it is starting to destroy my family. I wish my parents would just get it over with and kick her out.
My grandma was in the hospital because she passed out and hit her head. Luckily, this wasn't anything major and she was just dehydrated. Her medication was causing her blood pressure to drop hence the passing out.
Then to top it off, my tax return wasn't nearly what I was counting on to help pay for our wedding. It's my own damn fault for counting on it, but it still sucks and when I am already drained it's just the icing on the cake.
Pretty much, this weekend was hell. I just want so bad to have a normal family situation and to just be able to have happiness lately. I realize now that I can't get that directly from my family and I guess I have known that all along. I am not even close to who I was 3 years ago and I've worked damn hard to get to the place I am so I have to stay strong and remember everything I have learned up to this point.
Finances will sort themselves out. My family will eventually do what needs to be done. And meanwhile, I am working on creating a new family. I only hope that I can raise my kids in a way that makes them look at life with joy and not fear.
Fuck you 2013. I know that I need to focus on the positive in everything because positivity attracts good and all I can control is my attitude. I know that I have a LOT to be grateful for, but I am feeling a little picked on from life right now. I need to bitch so that I can realize how ridiculous it is and let it go and laugh at how stupid it is for me to be emotionally holding onto so much junk.
First, the garage door broke. No big deal except for we are already strapped trying to save for a wedding this June. Whatever though, we are using financial aid money for it.
I am getting "reverse transferred" at my job. This, my alternate reality friends, is the hardest thing that has hit me this week. I work for a damn good company. It's small, family-oriented, and the work environment is pretty nice. However, I am lucky enough to have started working in the most dysfunctional department it seems. Nobody is open to improving or changing even though they have constantly been behind and are now 3X worse since I left. Hence why my CEO sent my new boss an email that I will be going back for at least 2 months. It's kind of like finally getting out of high school and someone say "Sorry, but you missed an art elective" ha ha. I get to back to a department where most of the analysts dislike me and don't really make a point of hiding that. The most frustrating part was that I was finally getting good at my new job and feeling useful. I want to move forward in life and this just feels like a leap back.
So, then life decides to add in some physical issues. My eyes aren't healing right from my LASIK surgery (my dumb ass fault for not using drops as much as I should have been) and I have patches of dryness that will now take extra time to heal. I can't seem to stop breaking out no matter what I do. And to top that all off, I pulled a muscle in my upper back/neck so I can't even check my blind spot while driving without wincing in pain.
Every night I have a "worry" dream of some kind. For a couple of nights, it was different dreams involving Kyle lying to me, spending all of our money, etc. Then, we couldn't go on our honeymoon because we forgot our passports. Last night, and the most bizarre, I dream that my father was not my real father and I actually met my biological father (never met this man in my life before) in my dreams.
My old self also seems to be waiting for me to be weak. It's funny because I realize that everyone has their dark side and light side. Who are we really? I've been trying to teach myself that my true "inner" self can only be and is only love and strength. I just wonder how powerful our minds are and that if all the peace I have gained is just one big mind fuck. Truly scary, but who knows? I had a pretty rough argument with my grandfather this weekend. He is extremely atheist and looks at everything in a scientific manner. I am a microbiologist, but yet I still feel that science has not found all the answers, that there is no way we know everything, and although I don't believe there is proof of God necessarily, I know that I am more than my body. At least, that's what I sincerely hope. I've had some bad spiritual experiences that have allowed me to accept that with bad comes good. To me, spirituality means realizing that we are all connected in some way and that by tapping into who we really are we are that much closer to that "connectedness." Weird, but that is where I have arrived along my spiritual journey thus far.
I'm just having a hard time pulling out of this apathetic funk. I wish it was as easy as giving myself a pep talk, but sometimes it's just not. So, I will keep pushing forward and doing what I can that makes me happy in the meantime. Cuddling with my weenie babies, my fiance, and planning our wedding seem to be the top ones lately. Wedding is financially stressful, but I get more and more excited as plans become finalized. I am absolutely the luckiest girl alive in that aspect, I have an amazing man who is my best friend and still gives me butterflies. <3